I’m selfish…

I’m pretty much freaking out about Friday. The permanency hearing to decide the future of our foster babies will start at 9 a.m. that morning and I am seriously not sure at this point if I will make it until then! I am so stressed and worried!

I want the best for these babies! I want them to grow up in a safe, stable, and loving home. I want them to always have enough food, enough hugs, and enough support to do anything they want to in life! I want them to go after their dreams! Will Little Man like football or soccer or maybe science? Will Baby Girl be a ballerina or a gymnast or maybe prefer the rougher sports? Will they grow to know The Lord Jesus as their personal savior? These are all things I think about.

Then I start thinking about myself and what I want for me. I realize, I am selfish. I want to see them grow up! I want to cheer from the stands while they compete or perform. I want to be in their lives and get to know who they grow up to be. I am selfish. I am scared of losing them. I am scared of never seeing them again. I am scared of the pain that I may have to endure.

I’m selfish…


9 thoughts on “I’m selfish…

  1. No, your not selfish but self-less. What you are doing and have done for them already has sown seeds of the love of God in them! I understand and can relate to those fears. I’m praying for peace for you and those kids and that God’s will prevails.

  2. You are not at all selfish. Not at all. Selfish is putting your desires before what is best for the babies and you’re not doing that. You’ve done everything you can to help their bio family even when it hurt, even when you had to fight your anger, your worry, or your fear. Even now, your whole focus is on what is best for them even if it rips your heart apart. That is not selfish. Banish the thought that you are selfish from your mind.

  3. You are not selfish at all! Your desire is to see them flourish! A selfish person would not worry about the kids and their well being, a selfish person would not worry about them being taken away- a selfish person would secretly desire not to have to “burden” themselves with two more children! I applaude you and your enormous heart for giving so selflessly to these children and loving them when their bio parents would/could not! It takes a special person to have that much love! 😀

  4. God chose you to love them as if they were yours–knowing that you would face this time one day. You have prayed over them, taught them that it’s okay to bond, trust, and love, and you’ve shown them what Jesus looks like with skin on. Selfish? No, you want God’s best for them they way He wants it for all of us–but sometimes we may be left grieving. Sometimes we are left with empty arms and not understanding that His best was to scoop them out of the disaster that they came from and place them in your loving, selfless, and faithful arms only for a time. You have shown them a beautiful love that they will always be striving to get back to. God will be with them and you will have sweethearts to pray for for the rest of you life! I pray that as our Father has tested you heart this week, that you will feel emboldened to know what to do as their foster-mom. I’ve been there twice. One son we adopted and one we had to give back–but not without a fight 🙂 . They will never, NEVER, leave your mind or heart and praise God for that! I hope you will let us know how to pray for you at this time. My heart goes out to you…http://splashingingrace.com/2010/10/03/walking-in-the-kiln-part-2/ for this is where I was only a few years ago myself…God will not leave you either.

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