It was never meant to be empty.

Tonight, I washed the sheets on the bed that was never meant to be empty.  I washed them and remade the bed after Little Man left, but they’ve sat there unused for three months now and I felt it was time to wash them again.  Only Boy has stated that he NEVER wants that bed to be taken down, so although it would make his room much bigger and give him tons more room to play, it will stay.  It stays as a reminder of the precious little boy that changed my life.  It stays as a reminder to Only Boy that he DID have a brother and although he doesn’t live here anymore, that he always will.  It stays.  A few days after Little Man left I crawled up into that bed and smelled the pillow that he used that very last night in our home.  It hurt so bad!  I finally washed the sheets to keep myself from doing that again.  I didn’t want to feel that pain.  I don’t want to feel it now.  I want my family back.  I want the way it “was” to be the way it “is.”  I’m still hurting.

Two days ago I felt this sudden urge to get ready for a new foster placement.  Our home is still open for foster placements and our agency worker knows that we would really like another little boy to love.  I sent messages to both of our past workers reminding them that we are open for placements and that we have room for a child in need of a safe place to stay for the summer.  Nothing.  I guess that is good.  It is ALWAYS good if there is no need.  I don’t want children to be in need of a safe place.  I want the place they were born into to be their safe place.  But, if… if it is not… I want to be that safe place.  Until then, the bed will stay empty, even though it was never meant to be.

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5 thoughts on “It was never meant to be empty.

  1. Because of people like you, sho care so deeply! Children will always be safe! Thanks for being a beacon of light in their dark nights. Thanks for feeling, for hurting so much, for being human in a very inhuman world! I’m also sorry you have to feel such pain! You deserve to keep the children you have loved so very much! You are not alone, you are heard!!!

  2. Your post reminds me of a very favorite C.S. Lewis quote of mine: ““To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
    I am so glad you have chosen to love and to hurt … and that I have, too!

    And I keep a little box of moments from all of the kids I have loved who have left. I still open it up from time to time and cherish the memories of them.

    • Oh wow! That is beautiful! Truly beautiful and true! Thank you for sharing! I enjoy reading your blog so much! Can’t see how to comment on it anymore, but good luck with your new job!!! Thank you for your words of understanding and support!!!

      • So glad you’re still following. I think I lost a lot of people on the switch 😦 Still figuring all this blogging stuff out! You should be able to leave a commend if you scroll to the very bottom of a post (underneath the blue bar). Hope that helps!!!

  3. I really love this. I wish more people understood why we do it. Yes, it can hurt us (the foster parents.) Yes, we may feel broken. But our children are healing. They need us. They NEED to be loved.

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