“When wuz you pregnant wit her?”

I’m a “pink” foster mama.  Baby Girl is our precious dark chocolate 2 year-old princess.  We have had her in our home since she was 6 months old and she hasn’t known anyone else, but us as “her family,” since that time.  We have encountered several people who have questions about the fact that we don’t “match” in color or who look at us with a questioning look when we’re out and about, but most of the time everyone just goes about their business and we go about our’s. When we go to the city park; however, we are kinda just asking for it.  The other night it was HOT!  So, I loaded the kids up in the truck and we visited the Splash Pad at our city’s park.  Tons of kiddos were running around jumping and splashing in the water that shoots from the ground!  Everyone was having a great time!

I see her out of the corner of my eye.  She is watching us.  She is taller than my youngest biological daughter, so I’m guessing she’s about 8 years old.  She makes a beeline for us.  She looks at me, looks at Baby Girl and blurts out, “When wuz you pregnant wit her?”  Okay, so I then realize she may be younger probably six, her height threw me off.  “I was never pregnant with her honey, she grew in another mama’s belly.”  The little girl looks at me like I’m crazy.  We keep playing and she goes up to Baby Girl to look at her more closely.  The little girl says to me, “I was standing over there thinking, when wuz you pregnant wit her?”  I smile.  This should be interesting.  “I wasn’t,” I say, “another mama carried her in her belly, but I’m the mama who takes care of her now.”  The girl looks at me again, she is NOT convinced this is “right.”  She runs up to my son who “matches” me.  “Is dat your sister,” she asks.  “Yep,” he says not missing a beat and running in the opposite direction.  I look around, I see who I think is her mama and she is laughing.  She is totally happy to let me handle this.  I smile and laugh to myself.  This precocious little girl just can’t figure this out and I really don’t know how much I’m wanting to or willing to share.  Then, the little girl spots my middle daughter who also “matches” me.  She runs to her and says, “Is dat your sister?”  My middle girl says, “Yes, she’s my sister,” and runs up to Baby Girl, picks her up and runs to play.  The little girl takes one more look at me and shrugs her shoulders.  She’s satisfied.  Once she had the same story from all three of us, apparently that was enough for her.  She went off to play and didn’t give us another look.

These things are going to happen.  We don’t “match.”  We look different, but I guarantee you that if that little girl had asked Baby Girl, “Where is your mama,” she would have run straight to me.  And, to me that is what counts.

Waiting to feel whole again

I’m waiting, waiting to feel whole again.  For sixteen months we were a family of seven.  My husband and I had two sons and three daughters.  Days were busy, nights were crazy.  We were happy!  Now, life is just, different.  I try to enjoy the peace in the house.  Don’t get me wrong, we still have a toddler, so it’s still crazy, but there are lots of calm and peaceful moments too.  Those are the moments, I can’t get used to.  Then there are the tender little hearts and their questions.  I can’t get used to answering my children’s questions of why.  “Why did God allow this mama?”  “If God knows everything, He knew we would love him and that he would be totally connected to us, but then that he’d have to leave, why did God do that, mama?”  

We miss our Little Man every day!  Every single day.  

The post I deleted…

So, about a week ago I wrote a post.  I was frustrated.  I was annoyed.  I was being selfish.  I wrote about how I was “so ready” for the TPR (termination of parental rights) for Baby Girl to be over already.  I didn’t understand why in the world it was taking so long when the evidence is so clear.  I was in a bad mood when I wrote that post.  Um… word to the future me… “Don’t write blog posts when you’re in a mood.”

When I woke up the next morning, I deleted the post.  God clearly convicted me.  The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear all night long, “This is NOT about YOU!”  Wow!  I was hit smack in the middle of my forehead with that one!  I felt terrible.  The truth is… NONE OF THIS IS ABOUT ME.  It does NOT matter how hard this is!  It does not matter how long we have to wait.  It does not matter what we have to go through.  THIS IS ABOUT BABY GIRL!  ALL of this!  Every day, every trial, every joy, every moment, it is ALL about Baby Girl.

One day (Lord willing), Baby Girl will be my teenage daughter and she may be having a “moment.”  She may come to me and she may say something like, “You are NOT my ‘real’ mom!”  She may say, “Why didn’t I get to be raised by her?”  She may feel angry, confused, and frustrated.  And, in that moment, I want with all of my heart to be able to say, “I love you, sweetie.  I’m sorry you are feeling these things.  We tried.  Everyone tried.  Every single person involved in your birth mother’s case was fair.  She was given every single opportunity to be your mama.  She was given two years.  We tried.  She just couldn’t do it.  We were your foster family from the first moment that you came into foster care and we got to raise you and love you for two years.  We couldn’t imagine our lives continuing without you.  We wanted to be your family!  You were ALWAYS loved!  I am absolutely sure your birth mother loved you very much, she just couldn’t raise you.  But, she was given every chance.”

This time of waiting is for Baby Girl.

It’s just us again. 

We had Daddy home for two weeks, Cousins and Auntie visited and Uncle came for a few days too.  Within the past three days everyone has left though.  It’s just “us” again, me and my kiddos.  

We had such an amazingly wonderful summer, full of sun, family, and fun!  It’s not even over yet either!  We still have three weeks left before it is “back-to-school.”  

This school year it will still be just me and the kids, but our Soldier Daddy will be back on weekends and extra special days and holidays!  It’s not exactly the way we want it to be yet, but at least he’s in the states!  

This week Baby Girl’s social worker comes for a visit too, so I’m hoping to find out what all has happened with her case this past month.  I found out her bio mom is in jail again, so I’m not sure how that will change things, if at all.  

So, here’s to life and all of its ups and downs!  Hope you and your family are enjoying summer!  

20 months ago today…

Twenty months ago today was one of the best days of my life!  It was the day that changed the course of my life forever!  It was the day we met Baby Girl and Little Man.  It was the day I officially became a “foster mama.”  

Today, I feel thankful.  We’ve been through a lot these past twenty months.  Lots of learning, lots of heartache, but mostly lots of love!  Lots and lots of love!  

So, happy happy 20 month-a-versary to us!!!

Crying myself to sleep

He’s missing.  He’s not coming back.  I may never hear his sweet voice again.  I miss him so much!  “I wuv ooo Mama,” rings in my ears.  I want to get in my truck and go get him!  I dream of them calling and saying they can’t do it any longer.  I dream I get “my” baby back.  But, then I wake up and it was only a dream.  

Last night was hard.  I was so happy having my husband home and we have extended family visiting too.  We were all swimming and playing and laughing in the pool and all I could think of was that Little Man would love this!  Part of my heart has a hole.  It’s “his” place.  It is reserved for him.  Thank the Lord my husband was here last night to hold me.  He said all of the right things.  He reassured me like only he can.  Then, he prayed.  He prayed out loud for Little Man.  He said everything to God that I wanted to say, but just couldn’t vocalize at that moment.  He thanked God for Baby Girl and for all of our children.  Then, he prayed God would bring us a little boy who needs a family.  He asked for us to know the path that is right for our family.  And then he said, “amen,” and I felt relief.  I felt okay again.  My heart still hurts, but today I can take another step forward.  

It is in writing!

We got a document from DHR in the mail last week.  It had the words, “adoption by current foster parents” printed in the space where the current case plan was written.  This is becoming real!  We may actually, in fact get to adopt our precious one!

DHR has been trying to contact her biological mother for three months now and cannot find her.  They have sent letters to every known address and have called every known number.  They even called me asking when I had heard from her last and I told them it was in January.  I did; however, have the number documented that she had called us from. I gave it to them.  They called it.  It was the phone of an ex-boyfriend who said she took off two months ago and that he hasn’t heard from her since.  It is really looking like she does not want to be found.  Nineteen and a half months in our home.  Nineteen and a half months in foster care for our Baby Girl.  It is too long.  She has a family just waiting to be her’s forever!  But, I understand why they do all of this and why they take so much time.  It is so when we do go to court that the judge has enough evidence to make a decision.  He needs to know that DHR has done everything in their power to reunite Baby Girl with her biological family.  We are the second choice, the fall back choice, the last resort.  I am okay with that.  That, we will be!