I miss you!

Dear Little Man,

I can’t stop thinking about you today.  It was exactly six months ago today that I had to let you go.  Six months.  It doesn’t feel like that long ago.  I still ache to hold you again, to be your mama again.  I miss your sweet voice, the smell of your clean skin and soft curly hair.  I miss your hugs, your screams of joy and your laugh.  I miss you!  I pray for you!  I still love you!  Are you okay?  Are you happy?  Do you go to preschool?  Do you use the big boy potty yet?

I’m taking good care of your sister.  We love her so much!  I pray that one day in the future, I’ll be able to find a way to let the two of you see each other again!  I will try!  I promise!

You changed my life Little Man.  You changed me.  You left a legacy of love in this house… unconditional, crazy devoted love.  The place in my heart that is your’s will ALWAYS be your’s.  No matter what, you have my love.

Love,

Mama

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Sometimes I get really mad!

Sometimes I get angry at this stupid system!  I watch commercials on t.v. about the state “needing” more foster parents.  I listen to the radio announcer plug another agency wanting to certify new adoptive parents.  I hear stories of children living in other foster homes with far too many other children or not adequate love and attention.  Then, I sit back and get pissed!  (Please forgive my wording, but yea, I’m pissed!). You wanna know why?  Because for 6 months we have been waiting to serve, love, and protect another innocent life.  We have said,  “We are open.  We are willing.”  But, we get no calls.  I am perfectly happy with our family right now.  I love being a mommy to four!  Only thing is, when I was a mommy to five, things just felt “right.”  Grieving the loss of Little Man has taken months.  I think about him constantly!  I wish I could make some sense of it, but I can’t.  All I can do is believe that God has a purpose.  I thought it was that there was another child/children that needed us even more.  But, as it turns out, it’s not that at all.  We lost him because this system stinks!

That is it.  That is all.   Some days I just get really mad!