Two months and she’ll have our last name!!!

Our new and 4th social worker in two years came to visit today.  She was very sweet and I enjoyed getting to know her and talking about adoption plans, but Baby Girl probably wondered what was going on.  Baby Girl was shy and hid behind me on the couch while the worker was here.  All of the workers, when they first come to our home and meet Baby Girl want her to talk to them or play with them.  She doesn’t.  She doesn’t know them.  She doesn’t know she’s in foster care!  The last time she had a visit with a bio relative was when she was 17 months old.  She has no idea why strange people come to visit our house once a month and want her to talk to them.  I really can’t wait for the day when she will not have to hide behind me and wonder.  In two months this chapter will be over!  Adoption day will start a new chapter in all of our lives!  We cannot wait! 

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He lies about everything. 

Lies, lies, and more lies.  He has swam with alligators, shot turkeys out of trees, made straight A’s at his last school and didn’t talk out of turn in class today (it’s his teacher who was mistaken).  T has very little concept of “the truth.”  He literally couldn’t tell me the truth if his pants were on fire.  He does “accidentally” tell the truth about his previous life sometimes and then he backtracks and tries to cover it up out of fear.  It is sad.  It is exhausting.  It is so very hard. Foster care, it comes with some very big challenges.  Today our biggest challenge is how to teach T to tell the truth.  

I’m feeling really alone.

“Miss Mama, I’m feeling really alone right now, will you come watch me play my game?”  

Nobody will ever really understand how much this means to me.  After three months, T is trusting me with his feelings.  Don’t get me wrong, we have a long way to go, but the fact that he would even tell me how he was feeling, let alone that it was a negative feeling, that is just progress!  I’m so blessed and pleased that he feels comfortable enough to share that with me and of course I went and watched him play his game.  He’s great at the Wii and loves the sword fighting game on there.  He didn’t feel alone anymore and we had a bonding moment.  Today was a good day!

Now, you know.

Once you’re a foster parent you can never really go back to life as you knew it before.  Now, you know.  You know about children living in homes consumed with roaches, so many that they must slap themselves in their sleep to fight the bugs off.  You know about children be choked and thrown against walls by their caregivers.  You know about babies sitting in dirty diapers day after day until their bottoms are bloody.  Now, you know.  So, life kind of changes.  You can’t go back to the days where your biggest worry was what kind of coffee drink you’ll order today.  You just can’t.  Because, now you know there are children living all around us suffering and they need our help!  

Have you thought about foster care? 

Everyone always leaves me.

T told me after his visit with his mom and brothers today that he was sad.  I asked him what was making him feel that way and he said, “I’m sad because everyone always leaves me.”  I turned the car off and turned around in my seat.  “Oh T,” I said, “I’m so sorry you feel like everyone always leaves you.”  I know someone who will NEVER leave you.”  He looked up at me skeptical and unknowing.  “God loves you so much T!  He sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross for you.  He is the ONE who will never leave you.  All you have to do is call out the name Jesus and He is right there.  He is holding your hand, sitting beside you and He wants a relationship with you.”  T put his head down.  He looked at his pants and fiddled with his book.  I didn’t say anything else.  Neither did he.  I turned the car back on and we drove home in silence.  Heavy stuff, foster care.  He is right, the “people” here on earth who were supposed to take care of him have always left him.  My hope is that T will find a personal relationship with Jesus and have that to hold onto his entire life! 

No Appeal!  

Today I found out that we are in the clear!  No family members appealed the decision made by the judge a month ago to terminate the parental rights of our precious Baby Girl!  Since the day she was carried into our home at 6 months old and the DHR worker told us that, “this could be for 72 hours or this could be for forever,” I’ve been ready for forever!  We went through two years of waiting and waiting and waiting!  Now, we don’t have to wait anymore!  We get to adopt her!  We get to be her forever family!  We could not be happier!

It’s been ten months, but it still hurts.  

Tonight it is quiet, too quiet!  My Little Man should be here.  He should.  My life will never be the same after being his mommy.  When it gets really quiet and the noise of the busy day is gone, I will probably always sit missing him.  He was and is “my son of my heart.”  I wonder what he’s doing. I wonder if he still remembers us.  I wonder how I will ever even begin to explain to Baby Girl why her brother had to go.  I made my family promise when that day comes that they will tell her how hard we fought to keep them together, to raise them together.  I made them promise.  The house is too quiet.  He isn’t here.  I miss my Little Man!