I’m throwing it out! I HATE that dress! It was something I bought right before court a year and a half ago. I wore it the day I took my precious Little Man to be reunified with his birth family. The family that had made absolutely NO effort to gain custody of him, but because “blood is best” as far as courts are concerned, he was gone. My little boy! My heart! The one who clung to me and wouldn’t get out of my truck that morning. My baby who called, “Mama, no go! Mama, no go!”
Oh how I hate that dress! I wore it that day. The ugliest dress in my closet. It has hung there for a year and a half just staring at me and making me sick. I’ve kept it just in case these”feelings” went away and I could wear it again. It cost money, was my rational. It makes no sense to just throw it away. I’m being silly. The dress if fine, it is basically brand new. I’m being wasteful. BUT, TODAY I DON’T CARE! I’m tossing it! Not in the trash, but in the donation pile! Someone else can wear that dress. Someone who doesn’t know about the heartbreak. Someone who doesn’t feel the pain. Someone who doesn’t ache for the little boy who was mine. Someone who didn’t see him in the distance getting into a stranger’s car at the courthouse with all of his earthly things, as I rode away. Someone who didn’t sob and sob and sob as my friend drove me home. Someone else can wear that dress. I hate that dress!
We really want to adopt again! Will we get to, I don’t know? Right now, I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job of letting go and letting God! Mostly, because I have Baby Girl and she keeps me very busy! But, also because going through the whole adoption process with Baby Girl made me realize that when God gives you a child to love and nurture and parent, that child is the perfect one for you! I am completely trusting that if God wants us to adopt again, He will make a way!
So, baby boy or girl, if you’re out there, we’ll find you!
I got creative this year. Being a foster parent, I’m used to having WAY more going on at my house this time of year. But, since it’s just me and my forever kiddos right now, I had time to come up with some fun “back-to-school gifts” for their teachers. Here they are.
Washed out and cleaned soup cans with brand new crayons hot glued to them make an adorable holder for freshly cut flowers from the garden. Thank you Pinterest!
I simply believe that every teacher probably needs chocolate to get through the first week of school. A cute or funny more taped to the front makes it more personal.
And of course, I had the kids make a card or a little note for their new teachers, because really it’s all about making it personal.
Dear Future Foster Son or Daughter,
We are waiting for you! We are praying for you. We are praying that God prepares us and makes us ready to be exactly what you need! I have your crib and/or bunk bed all set up and ready for you. We talk about you and hope to get to take care of you soon. I don’t know how you’ll come to us or why, but we feel ready. I know it will be tragedy that brings you to us and for that my heart hurts. We promise to love you fully, speak up for your needs, and do whatever it takes to help you in your time of crisis. We don’t know you yet, but we love you!
Your Foster Family
In a little over a week my kiddos go back to school. No more lazy summer days, spending hours out by the pool, doing nothing but playing and playing some more. I love the summertime. I love the freedom it provides my children to just “be kids.”
Here are some sweet pics from our time at the beach. I’m so glad we went! The weather was gorgeous! The beach was beautiful and relaxing. I took a walk one day and just prayed and prayed the entire time. God is so good to me! He has blessed me beyond measure!
Baby Girl playing in the sand!
The cousins in their matching flip flops!
My brave Middle Girl caught a crab!
My babies and I need a restful few days to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company before school starts again. So, we’ve headed to the beach! There is just something very soothing about the ocean waves and how constant they are. Waves going in and out, in and out, splashing at my feet while I sit in my chair and watch my kiddos play in the water and sand. It’s good to be here.
Oldest Girl will be starting high school in a few weeks and I know life is about to get very busy for her again. Only Boy will start his last year of elementary school. He is getting so tall and has already passed me by in height. Middle Girl and Baby Girl are both looking forward to starting ballet classes. Life is about to be full of car rides, schedules, and routine. The beach was calling us. We need to recharge before these big changes in our lives again. We are also praying that God will prepare us to welcome new foster children into our home this year. We would be so pleased to get “the call” very soon.
The beach is my happy place! Quiet, calm and peaceful, but full of fun and memories at the same time! Life is good at the beach!
T’s visit with us went wonderfully! We spent quality time doing activities that he loves and seeing people who care about him! We spoiled him with all of his favorite foods and even allowed a later bedtime, which made him feel very grown up! All of the kids got along! Everyone had fun! It was a wonderful visit!
We went and picked T up today, so that he can stay with us for five days. We are so excited to have him here and the kids fell right back into their old routines tonight. There was LOTS of laughing and giggling and my heart is very very happy this evening.
T has known about this visit with us for a few days now, but the look on his face when we pulled into his driveway was priceless! The grin from ear to ear and the sparkle in his eyes is worth the six hour drive! He is here! We get him for five whole days! The Baby didn’t recognize us when we first walked into the house, but as soon as we started talking to him, his eyes lit up and he reached up towards me. We all held him and played with him and I thought about how blessed I am that even though I don’t get to raise him and have him at our house, I do get to see him and watch him grow up! I feel so lucky!
So, this weekend with T will be packed with swimming, favorite foods, and lots of playtime! Middle Girl wants to show T how she can ride a two-wheeler now and Only Boy wants to teach T how to play his favorite new card game. We’ll watch movies and eat popcorn at night and make a few new memories! This weekend will be fun! I’m so glad we get to have T with us for five whole days!
We really want to foster at least one more time. We would really love to adopt again as well, if the right situation presented itself. But, we sit and we wait and we don’t get calls.
Every time that I hear a commercial on the radio asking for people to step up and become foster parents, I just want to yell at my dashboard. Every time I see an ad describing the huge need for foster parents and adoptive parents in our state, I want to throw my shoe at the screen! I want to yell, “what about the homes you already have? How about use those!!!” Because, out of the last 2 years and 10 months since we became foster parents, our home has sat empty a combined total of ten months. Ten months where we have had three empty beds, ten months we have had a huge Suburban with empty seats, ten months I’ve sat and wondered why? Tonight, I sit and wonder why, again.
(On a positive note, we go to pick up T for a long weekend tomorrow. He’ll get to spend five days with us and we are all very excited!)
He left again this morning. We had ten full days with him. I am so happy he was home for Middle Girl’s birthday, the 4th of July, and our annual foster family pool party. But, this morning he packed up and left to go “back to work.” From now until he comes home again, I will have to answer my precious Baby Girl’s persistent, “where’s Daddy?” My answer every single time is, “he’s at work.” She must hate “work.” It takes him away from her. When he calls, she says, “Daddy, I want you to come to my house!” It breaks his heart. We have been doing this dance of deployment for a year and then long-distance daddy for yet another year. We have had breaks. He came home for a four month long Army school. He was here for Christmas and just took ten days leave to be home for a chunk of the summer, but all in all, we are separated a lot more than we are together. Modern technology is nice. We talk constantly and our kids can FaceTime him, but it’s not like having him here. It’s lonely.
The first year he was gone, he was deployed. That year people asked “how are you doing?” They were concerned. They made a point to invite us to things and called or texted to say they were praying for us. This past year, there were no invites. No extra calls or texts. After all, he’s in the states. It’s just like every other family with a dad who’s job takes him away from home. This is our new “normal.” But, it’s lonely.
It might not be our “normal” for much longer. He is working at getting a job here. It will be so nice to wake up next to him again, for the kids to have him at their games again, and for help with the house and yard. I pray for that day to be soon! Maybe before Christmas! Until then, I’ll put on my big girl panties. I’ll throw myself into raising our four precious kiddos. And maybe, just maybe by Christmas life won’t be so lonely.