The post I deleted…

So, about a week ago I wrote a post.  I was frustrated.  I was annoyed.  I was being selfish.  I wrote about how I was “so ready” for the TPR (termination of parental rights) for Baby Girl to be over already.  I didn’t understand why in the world it was taking so long when the evidence is so clear.  I was in a bad mood when I wrote that post.  Um… word to the future me… “Don’t write blog posts when you’re in a mood.”

When I woke up the next morning, I deleted the post.  God clearly convicted me.  The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear all night long, “This is NOT about YOU!”  Wow!  I was hit smack in the middle of my forehead with that one!  I felt terrible.  The truth is… NONE OF THIS IS ABOUT ME.  It does NOT matter how hard this is!  It does not matter how long we have to wait.  It does not matter what we have to go through.  THIS IS ABOUT BABY GIRL!  ALL of this!  Every day, every trial, every joy, every moment, it is ALL about Baby Girl.

One day (Lord willing), Baby Girl will be my teenage daughter and she may be having a “moment.”  She may come to me and she may say something like, “You are NOT my ‘real’ mom!”  She may say, “Why didn’t I get to be raised by her?”  She may feel angry, confused, and frustrated.  And, in that moment, I want with all of my heart to be able to say, “I love you, sweetie.  I’m sorry you are feeling these things.  We tried.  Everyone tried.  Every single person involved in your birth mother’s case was fair.  She was given every single opportunity to be your mama.  She was given two years.  We tried.  She just couldn’t do it.  We were your foster family from the first moment that you came into foster care and we got to raise you and love you for two years.  We couldn’t imagine our lives continuing without you.  We wanted to be your family!  You were ALWAYS loved!  I am absolutely sure your birth mother loved you very much, she just couldn’t raise you.  But, she was given every chance.”

This time of waiting is for Baby Girl.

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4 thoughts on “The post I deleted…

  1. Reblogged this on Fostering a dream and commented:
    These feelings are so very real and honest. We have to give God 110% of the control and trust His plans are better than our own. People often put foster parents on a pedestal of some sort of saintly status but we are just broken people helping broken people. We hurt, we doubt, we don’t have it all together. That’s why I’m thankful for a God who does!

  2. While I agree with everything you are saying, I think it’s okay to vent your frustrations even when you’re in a “mood.” We can all paste on a happy face and pretend like it’s peachy to give bio parents a hundred and one chances while their children rot in limbo, but we are lying — to ourselves, to our fellow foster parents and to prospective foster parents.

    If we all pretend like it’s a big, fat cake walk, we do ourselves and others a disservice. I think it’s important to show people that it’s a roller coaster ride. You might get a placement you don’t fall in love with on day one. There are days you get sick of dealing with attitude problems, temper tantrums and a hundred and one potty accidents from a four-year-old. And that’s okay. Because that’s part of foster parenting.

    Sharing the whole picture may provide encouragement to someone else who wonders if they’re the only one out there feeling the same way.

    Just a thought …

    • Amen girl! You are SO right! I agree with you whole heartedly! I love sharing about and reading about foster parenting. In this particular instance I was convicted to change my heart… To look at “why” it might be taking sooo long! Because maybe… I’m not even sure about this, but maybe it’s for Baby Girl’s sake later down the road. And, maybe that’s not the case, maybe it’s taking too long because this system is messed up! Who knows! Lol! As always thanks for reading and for your encouragement!

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