So, about a week ago I wrote a post. I was frustrated. I was annoyed. I was being selfish. I wrote about how I was “so ready” for the TPR (termination of parental rights) for Baby Girl to be over already. I didn’t understand why in the world it was taking so long when the evidence is so clear. I was in a bad mood when I wrote that post. Um… word to the future me… “Don’t write blog posts when you’re in a mood.”
When I woke up the next morning, I deleted the post. God clearly convicted me. The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear all night long, “This is NOT about YOU!” Wow! I was hit smack in the middle of my forehead with that one! I felt terrible. The truth is… NONE OF THIS IS ABOUT ME. It does NOT matter how hard this is! It does not matter how long we have to wait. It does not matter what we have to go through. THIS IS ABOUT BABY GIRL! ALL of this! Every day, every trial, every joy, every moment, it is ALL about Baby Girl.
One day (Lord willing), Baby Girl will be my teenage daughter and she may be having a “moment.” She may come to me and she may say something like, “You are NOT my ‘real’ mom!” She may say, “Why didn’t I get to be raised by her?” She may feel angry, confused, and frustrated. And, in that moment, I want with all of my heart to be able to say, “I love you, sweetie. I’m sorry you are feeling these things. We tried. Everyone tried. Every single person involved in your birth mother’s case was fair. She was given every single opportunity to be your mama. She was given two years. We tried. She just couldn’t do it. We were your foster family from the first moment that you came into foster care and we got to raise you and love you for two years. We couldn’t imagine our lives continuing without you. We wanted to be your family! You were ALWAYS loved! I am absolutely sure your birth mother loved you very much, she just couldn’t raise you. But, she was given every chance.”
This time of waiting is for Baby Girl.