Only in my dreams

I dreamt about Little Man last night.  It was so vivid, so real and when I woke up, I wanted to go back to sleep and dream it again.  I just wanted to get to spend some more time with him.  It was heartbreaking.  He was at a summer program for children from “rough places” and one of the social workers running the camp had invited me to come and be his counselor.  I got to spend a week with him.  He spoke so well now and told me, “No go again,” several times in my dream.  He didn’t want me to leave and he didn’t want to leave me. Then, when the week was over, they packed him and the other children up and sent them back home.  Little Man cried, I cried.  It was a blubber-fest.  He screamed for me and I just felt broken all over again.

Why did I let this happen?  Why did I let myself get into something that I knew could break my heart?  Why did I purposely set my family up for heartache.  Why?  How in the world did I think this would be okay?  How did I think we would ever get over this?  How?

Because.  And here is why.  Because if we had signed up for foster/adoption through our county and said, “We will do this, but we only want children that are at no risk of being taken back,” we would still be sitting here today with two empty beds in our house and no wonderful children.  We would be waiting still.  Because, with EVERY SINGLE placement that you get in foster care there is risk and the risk is HUGE.  We are talking about human lives here, people!  We are talking about children.  We are talking about families.  When you put all of those things together it is just plain risky.  But, it is worth it!

Even if someone had told me from the beginning how Little Man’s story with us would end, I would still have done it.  Because for those 16 months he needed us.  He needed me.  He needed a mommy that he didn’t have at the time.  He needed a person who would fight for him.  He needed someone to look beyond his sometimes “difficult” behaviors.  He needed someone to love him.  Did it take longer than I thought necessary for his family member to decide they “wanted him?”  Yes, in my opinion it did, but who knows why it took that long.  Who am I to judge?  All I know is that I was blessed to be his mommy for those 16 months and I would never take those months back for ANYTHING!  I love him.  He is my son who now lives only in my heart… and in my dreams.

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2 thoughts on “Only in my dreams

  1. The risks were huge for Little Man as well. He needed love. He needed to attach. He needed to learn to trust adults. You gave him all of those things. Instead of bouncing around in the system he was with a family that stuck by him forever or for now. Good for you. You saved a part of his childhood. You are amazing.

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